How to leave an Abusive Relationship
Question -
How do you get out of an abusive relationship? I've been with him for 5 years, the last 2 years have really torn me. He puts me down in front of people, treats me like a child, tells me I'm blessed to be with him and I will never find anyone else!
I'm too scared to speak when we go out and when I confront him when he does things, he tells me to shut up. I feel so down and horrible that I go home, cry and eat to feel better. I have no friends as he made them go, I'm 43 years old and feel I will never find anyone or even myself.
Answer -
Hello, we are so glad you took the time to reach out and ask for help about your situation. We are so sorry to hear about how horrible you are being treated by your boyfriend. It sounds like he is incredibly abusive to you, and it's had a huge impact on your self-worth and self-esteem. It is not okay for anyone to talk to you or treat you the way your boyfriend does. You deserve to feel safe in your relationship.
Being in a domestically violent relationship can eat away at your confidence, isolate you from people you love and who love you, and make you feel like you're going crazy. The abuse can make you feel so low, and this is one of the tactics that abusers use to convince you that you deserve to be treated this way, that you're not worthy of being treated better, and that you won't be able to find someone who will care for you with love and respect.
It sounds like you've been thinking of getting out of this relationship, but you don't know how. You've taken the brave step of asking for help already, and this first part can take a lot to build up to. Take a moment to consider the strength you have to have done this. It shows that there is a big part of you who is no longer willing to tolerate the abuse from your partner, and a part of you that knows you can no longer stay in this relationship.
It can be helpful to know that it's normal for a lot of people to go through several phases before leaving their abusive partner. Be kind to yourself if you find yourself wanting to leave but don't feel entirely ready to yet, or if you do leave him and then get back together. Sometimes it can take a few goes to walk out for good.
In many abusive relationships, the abusive partner can enact a 'honeymoon' period if they sense their partner leaving, and will behave in ways that make the victim feel special and cared for, making it hard to break up. This is a common phase of the domestic violence cycle; the 'honeymoon behaviour' is only temporary and does not last. The abusive partner can also make their partner feel guilty or sorry for them and can even threaten to hurt themselves if their partner left them. After the ‘honeymoon behaviour’ phase, the abuser typically goes back to their usual ways of abusing, threatening, and treating their partner badly.
It is not easy to leave someone who you have been with for so many years, and abuse dynamics are complex, making it very difficult for many individuals to feel confident and safe enough to leave.
Having a trusted family member or friend to support you through the process of leaving can be really helpful. Bring to mind one or two people in your life who you really trust, even if it's been a long time since you've connected with. If you're able to talk to someone about what's been happening, you don't have to go through this alone, and can receive support (both emotional and practical) around leaving your boyfriend. Contacting a domestic violence support service (such as 1800RESPECT - 1800 737 732) can also provide you with help around how to go about leaving your relationship safely.
When you are ready to take the courageous steps to believe in yourself and end the relationship, there is support for you if you ask for it. On the other side of leaving your boyfriend, lies a space where you can grow into yourself again, where you can begin to heal, and where you can feel safe and start to rebuild your confidence.
Wishing you all the best,
~ Christina and Thania