Fantasising and Daydreaming
Question -
Hello, I am married with three children. On the surface I appear to have it all together however, in my mind I keep replaying a fantasy life. Do you have any tips on getting past this? Why is this happening to me? Thank you.
Answer -
Hello and thank you for your question. It is very normal and common for our minds to day dream and fantasise. It is a way for us to switch off from our external environment for a ‘break’ in our every day lives - and when you're a mother of 3, we imagine that your life is very full of taking care of everyone around you and not getting much time to yourself!
Depending on the content of your day dreams, the frequency, the intensity, and if they are about people we know or don’t know, our fantasies can tell us a lot about what is happening in our internal worlds. Fantasising and daydreaming about a career can spark creative ideas which can release feel good chemicals in the brain. Fantasising about close friends and loved ones has been shown to be associated with life satisfaction.
On the other hand, fantasising romantically about someone we don’t really know or who isn’t our life partner, does not necessarily mean we don’t love our family or partners, it is more related to life satisfaction in general. For example, if you are experiencing long phases of exhaustion, feelings of depletion, when there is not enough satisfactory connection with your external world, when your cup is empty, and when you haven’t experienced enough joy in your life, your brain is prone to daydreaming/fantasising and going inwards.
Fantasising romantically in this way can occur when we are craving excitement, mystery or novelty. In long-term relationships and in marriage, the honeymoon phase is long over, and raising children can make it more difficult to experience romance and connection in the way that you did as a new couple. When first falling in love, our brains release strong feel-good neurotransmitters, and this heightened state of emotion and arousal typically lasts for 12-18 months. Because our bodies cannot physically sustain this 'high' for too long, infatuation fades, however studies show that dopamine (the neurotransmitter related to reward and desire, and is released in response to anything that's addictive) is still released in long-term relationships - but in a more slow and sustainable way.
Again, fantasising does not mean you don’t love your partner or children, or don’t feel gratitude towards them. We are all neurobiologically wired to seek both stability, security, and predictability in our relationships, but also to crave adventure, exhilaration, and intensity. Your brain may be trying to seek that big release of dopamine if you're feeling depleted in your relationships and/or in your life.
When noticing that you are fantasising more than usual, here are some tips of how to manage it:
Recognise that you may be exhausted, depleted, disconnected, bored, overly busy, or not feeling enough joy, and that it can be a normal way for your mind to be seeking pleasure.
Be gentle on yourself and realise that it is just a fantasy and a safe way for your brain to take a break.
Consider ways to create excitement, connection and novelty in your current relationship to release more dopamine, like doing new things together, focussing on affectionate touch, and being playful.
Realise that the fantasy will decrease in intensity as time goes on.
Talking to a close friend, someone you trust, or a therapist can validate that ‘your fantasy is just a fantasy’ will help to decrease the intensity of your thoughts.
Check in with yourself and access support if you are exhausted, or haven’t scheduled in some rest/sleep or fun/joy in your life.
Address areas in your life where you feel disconnected.
Try to find activities which fill your cup back up and make sure you plan ahead to schedule these in.
Wishing you all the best,
~Thania and Christina ~