I don’t even know where to start! I have never really shared my story to anyone because it still feels so fresh, so new!
I remember every detail like it was yesterday. It all started in 2016 my sister and her partner had just gotten together and I met a whole bunch of his friends at a house party, I remember feeling so alive, happy and free spirited. I met this guy who I thought to be wonderful, he and I were talking all night long I seemed I had know him for a life time, I have never bonded with anyone or had the spark/connection that we did. Weeks/months had past and we done everything together, party, laugh, drive around together!
Everything seemed perfect.
Then, the October came around and I had realised I have really fallen for this guy, I had never felt this way about anyone before it scared me but it was exciting! After I knew I was absolutely head over heals in love with this guy, I realised he was being really distant toward me, ignoring me, no messages, blocking me from contacting him. He left high and dry, he left me heart broken! I didn’t think I could love anyone so much, I mean it hurt to talk about him, here his name, drive past his house or see him at the shops.
I thought to myself, am I so unlovable for him to do this to me!
I turned to the next best person who was his best mate and my brother in-law, I had simply asked for answers. I got given the answers but I didn’t understand them, I know he was just telling me what I wanted to here like, “he really cares for you,” “he didn’t want to hurt you” and the big one “He loves you!”
He gave me nicknames, he made me feel wanted for the first time ever! Months and months of heartache and heartbreak, I hadn’t just lost a friend or a potential partner I had lost myself in so many ways.
I had put on 40+kgs, quit studies (what I always dreamt of doing) and lost all my friends!
For a little while I was on the down low and knew something wasn’t right, I didn’t feel like me. I turned to my mother and bawled my eyes out saying “mum I think I have depression,” this hurt me because she didn’t seem to care, it felt as though she brushed it off her shoulders. So I turned to a doctor who told me to fill out a k10 sheet (depression chart) and return it, his face went from a welcoming smile to a concerned man, he looked at me and said “I am so sorry for what ever you are going through, I have never seen I score this high in my whole 35 years of being a doctor” I bursted into tears and left with an appointment for a counsellor.
When I got home I felt so worthless and felt like nobody would miss me if I left, for months and months I contemplated the worst and I tried multiple times to finish it all!
But, I could never go through with it, I had nieces and nephews who look up to me, why should they think of their Aunty in a negative situation. I found help from a counsellor, I had so many sessions and none of them helped. I was diagnosed with severe and life threatening depression, severe anxiety and PTSD! I was put on medication and that didn’t seem to help either. Depression had been making me so upset that I rejecting all the food I consumed! Due to my sickness my body now has started rejecting lactose, gluten and chilli!
I still cry myself to sleep every now and then, I haven’t been cured but I don’t think I ever will!
But where I am at right now is really good for me! I still go in to a depressive mode but I always put on a brave face for all the wonderful people in my life. Most days to make sure I never let things get me down, I think of what’s great in my life, my nieces and nephews smiles daily and knowing things will get better shortly 😇